


Baby Prank

by ilikeshipment



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 06:43:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6504883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilikeshipment/pseuds/ilikeshipment
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>North wants a baby, but isn't sure if York is ready. South helps him put York to the test.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby Prank

**Author's Note:**

> A short little crack-ish story me and moosetashioedmonocle came up with!

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“Absolutely.”

North and South sat outside a sunny café. The air was hot and dry, but there was a nostalgic tone with the way the sun reflected off the windows that reminded North of family vacations they took as children. Or maybe it was just his peaceful state of mind that reminded him. He smiled to himself and closed his eyes, daydreaming about holding a warm bundle of blankets up to his chest.

“Have you talked to Jacques about it?”

Cue the record scratch. North’s eyes shot open but he didn’t respond, considering the answer was ‘no.’. Instead, he brought the magazine he was reading up to this face.

“Did you know Gillian Anderson is bi?” He asked. South rolled her eyes.

“Ryan, put that stupid magazine down. It makes you look even gayer than normal.”

North scoffed. “You’re one to talk,” he commented, eyeing her plaid shirt and backwards baseball cap. She scowled at him.

“Shut the fuck up. You’re not getting out of talking about this,” she spat, pointing a finger at him.

North put the magazine down with a sigh and looked at his sister with an expression that read ‘I’m ready for the worst.’ Which he was. He was waiting for his twin to tell him that he’s stupid, that he’s not ready and that Jacques would never go for it. But instead, she got surprisingly serious. Maybe she knew he was incredibly worried. She knew all of his tells.

She closed her eyes, took in a deep breath, and then opened them again. It was probably her way of preparing to say something constructive instead of insulting. “Look, you guys have been together for three years. I can tell _you’re_ ready, but who knows? He might be ready, too.”

North raised his eyebrows in shock. He wasn’t expecting that. “You think so?” He asked, probably sounding too hopeful. South just nodded her head with a “mhm.”

“Well, what if _I’m_ not sure if he’s ready?” That made South sit up. She leaned forward and rested her chin in her hand.

“What makes you say that?” She asked curiously. North gave her a look of disbelieve.

“Have you met Jacques?”

South breathed a laugh out of her nose. “Good point.”

“So what do I do?” North asked, full of worry again. He needs to be guided through this. South has already gone through this process with Connie. He just needs help. Please.

South rolled her eyes. “Jesus fucking Christ, go talk to your husband you idiot! See what he thinks about all this. And after you’ve talked to him, if you’re still not sure if he’s actually ready, I have a way to test him.”

North looked hesitant. “Which is?”

South smirked. “Talk to him first.”

 

North and York sat across each other at their dinner table that night. York attempted to make spaghetti for the two of them. It’s been three years and his cooking skills have barely improved, but he tries and North loves him for that. North loves him for a lot of things.

“So, how was lunch with Riley?” York asked as he sprinkled so much parmesan cheese on his pasta that it looked like funnel cake. North stared at the plate with slight concern before remembering York’s question.

“It was fine. She only insulted me fourteen times.”

“Wow, a record,” York said with a fond smile. “Man, I’m still thinking about that game yesterday.”

North smiled with tight lips. “Yeah, it was great.”

“Oh, man, that new Joey character is such a good player. Great addition to the team.”

North just smiled and nodded, his hand gripping his fork tighter as York continued to reminisce about every detail of yesterday’s baseball game. North was only half listening. He’s been building up the courage to start this conversation for the past 5 hours, heck 5 months, and now York’s mind and mouth were going a million miles a minute. His stomach started to fill with dread. There’s no way he would be able to talk about this now.

No. No more excuses. He was ready. He just needed to get York to shut up. As soon as the conversation is actually started, he’ll feel less nervous.

“Jacques,” he interrupted. York immediately stopped talking because of the tone of voice North was using. He sounded… scared? Disappointed? He wasn’t sure but he didn’t like it. “Can I talk to you about something serious?” North asked.

Uh oh. York didn’t like serious conversations, no sir. “What, is the pasta undercooked again?” he asked, trying to joke around and oh. Oh no. North looks even more disappointed. He fucked up.

“No, no. It’s uh… it’s about something that I’ve been thinking about for a really long time now and I thought I should share my, uh, thoughts on it,” North started, finally making eye contact.

“Okay,” York said hesitantly. “Continue.” He put his fork down and North swore there was more cheese than pasta on his plate. No, stop it. Don’t get distracted.

“I’ve been thinking that uh…” Oh, God here we go. Deep breath. “I think that—no, I know that I really want a kid. A baby. With you.” He let out a huge sigh and could feel his hands shaking. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his lap and waited for a response from York, who just stared at him. His stare was blank as if the cogs were slowly turning in his head. North could practically see the loading symbol circling around his face. Finally, he blinked.

“You’re serious,” is all he said after a pause that was way too long. North sighed again.

“Yes, I’m serious.”

York laughed nervously. “Ah, well you know—if uh y-you do sure seem like, ya know, that’s a thing you like.”

North laughed and then got up to clear their plates. “You don’t want to.”

“No! No, I do! I mean, yeah that would be cool. We’d be cool dads,” York said, trying to rescue himself. He didn’t really have anything wrong with it, he just wasn’t expecting it. That’s all. He could do this. Maybe.

“Yeah, let’s—let’s go down to the uh, orphanage or whatever and pick one up.”

North laughed as he rinsed the plates in the sink. “That’s not how it works. Besides, I can tell you’re not ready.”

York stood up. “What? No, I’m totally ready! You just took me by surprise, that’s all.” He placed a hand on North’s arm, trying to get him to stop messing around with the dishes. “Ry, we can talk about this. It’s obviously something you really want to do. You just caught me off guard, okay?” His tone was softer, more serious.

North turned around and looked his husband in the eyes. “Yeah, okay. Let’s do that.”

And two hours later they came to the conclusion that they were going to “look into it.” Whatever that meant. North told him that he’d been thinking about this the past few months. He wanted to adopt locally, didn’t care about gender or health problems, and he wanted a younger child, one younger than four years.

York on the other hand didn’t have any input. He just nodded and smiled and agreed with everything North said. Which was nice, but it wasn’t really what North wanted. He wanted York’s opinion. He wanted York to interject with “Well, I think this…” or “How about this…” but he got none of that. It was like North was asking permission and York was like, “Yeah, okay, go for it! Do your thing!” But he didn’t want it to be his thing. He didn’t want to go at it alone. He wanted to adopt a kid _with_ York. Together.

So three bowls of ice cream later, they decided to close the discussion for tonight and talk more about it later. That night York fell asleep no problem, but North’s mind was occupied. He was filled with worry and doubt that this would work out. He also thinks York was lying to him when he said he was ready. Eventually, he was able to drift off.

 

North was able to call South the next day when he was at work.

“So what’s the sitch?”

“Bad. I don’t think he’s ready.”

“Ohh, bummer,” she responded, but she didn’t seem too broken up about it.

“You could be a little more sympathetic,” North said.

“Well, what do you want me to say, dude? The man is like a child himself. You want a kid so badly, well guess what you’re practically married to one.”

“Riley,” North said through his teeth. Then he took a calming breath. “He said he was ready, but I think he’s lying.

“Sounds about right.”

“Didn’t you say you had a way to test him?”

South smiled. “Oh, yeaaah. I do.”

It was silent while North waiting for her to continue. “Well?” he prompted.

“Ya know, Connie and I are going away next weekend. Could sure use someone to watch over Haydn…”

“What are you up to, Riley?” North asked suspiciously. She just laughed in his face as much as she could over the phone.

 

North had Haydn all bundled up in a blanket, snuggling him close to his chest.

“Alright, now make sure he doesn’t see his face or this is all ruined,” South coached.

“Yeah, I got it,” North said, shooing her away with a wave of his hand. He continued to coo his nephew, rocking him gently. “How’s my little rock star?” he whispered. Haydn brought his hand up to pat North’s chin, babbling and laughing.

South will deny until her dying day that the sight made her heart melt.

They had a good plan set up. South will wait (and film) in the closet until York gets home and sees his husband holding a baby. North will improvise some lines about how this is their kid now and they’ll both get to enjoy York freaking out. He’ll be home in fifteen minutes. Now they just wait.

 

“Honey, I’m home!” York called out sarcastically when he opened the door.

“I’m in here,” North called from the living room.

York had plans to fool around a little bit tonight, but all that changed when he rounded the corner.

North was holding a baby, rocking it in a rocking chair that they definitely didn’t own yesterday.

“Uh, what’s going on?” He asked, hesitantly entering the room.

“Oh, Jacques, this is Leo. He’s our son now.”

“What.”

“You missed the delivery. You’re off to a bad start, ya know.”

York’s face went pale. He checked his watch to make sure it was the right day. And year. “I’m so… what?”

“Yeah, you said you were ready, so I took your advice and picked a kid up from the orphanage,” North continued, trying his best not to laugh. He knew his sister was probably having a difficult time doing the same thing.

Just when York was about to say, ‘No, that’s a fake baby,’ Haydn gave a perfectly timed squeal. And that’s when York went down.

North’s eyes bulged out of his head and then he got up to check on his husband. South busted out of the closet crackling with _delight_ and her camera still rolling.

“Holy shit, that was the best thing I’ve ever done!” She exclaimed, zooming in on York’s pale face. North didn’t respond.  He just placed his nephew in his carrier and then ran to the sink to get a cup of water. Then he splashed some on York’s face, smacking it a little bit.

“Call a paramedic,” he commanded. South scoffed.

“Please, he’s gonna be fine.”

 

Sure enough York woke up a few minutes later. The first thing he saw was South standing over him grinning.

“Ha! He’s awake now!” She called. North ran back over from refilling the cup and kneeled next to York.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, amused. York sat up to take a drink.

“Very confused,” he answered.

“That’s nothing new,” South commented.

North shot her a warning look and she rolled her eyes.

“You had a baby,” York said. His mind was trying to remember the events leading up his fall. “You said that he was our kid now.”

“Yeah, way to not recognize your own nephew,” South called from the couch, bouncing her son on her leg. He giggled at York’s confused face.

“Holy shit, you pranked me!” He yelled. But then apparently he saw the humor in it because he started cracking up. “Man, Ry. You scared the shit out of me.”

“Fatherhood that scary to you, huh?” North asked. York looked at him bashfully. Maybe he wasn’t ready. And maybe North only brought it up because South and Connie just recently adopted and he was bitten by the baby bug. Either way, he had a feeling him and York would get there one day. Just not today.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr: notsebastianstan.tumblr.com  
> Juliet's tumblr: moosetashioedmonocle.tumblr.com
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
